The Pause For A Cause (I’m Back!)

It’s been a while. A LONG WHILE. I took time to take many moments last year to live life in the background. I took time to get my head on straight and get down to my why’s. Why had I yet again found myself tormenting myself with the same old unhealthy cycles, patterns and behaviors? Why was I going backwards instead of continuing forward? Why was I living my life and my healing online way after the healing process had come to a disturbing halt?

I had more why’s than answers and that had turned into a huge problem. 2019 had definitely started off amazing. It was filled with self care, healing, participating fully in life, practicing healthy habits and coping mechanisms as well as knocking out and working toward personal desires and goals. Then it all came to a screeching halt. The feelings and anxieties of life, work and my health had once again became overwhelming. My coping had become unhealthy and depression and anxiety reared their ugly heads again.

I started to lose sight of my why’s. I started to lose focus of my desires and ultimately the pressures of life turned into pain and then numbness. Things started to become undone and soon after so did I. My home suffered, my body suffered, my health suffered, my relationships suffered and my purpose suffered.

So I retreated. In plain sight I went into hiding. It was so clear to the people who were consistently around me that I was struggling and after a while it began to show in everything to everyone.

I stopped writing, sharing, creating, enjoying life and I also stopped being enjoyable to be around. I had surrendered the best parts of me to the darkest pit in me. I allowed my mind to go to a place that it had no business going to. A place of complete desolation and despair until one day I had finally had enough. I got up the courage to check myself in to a mental health facility because I had allowed depression and anxiety to get the best of me again. Even though it was an easy but hard choice to make, this was the third time I had been to a mental health facility in my whole 33 years on earth and I didn’t want to stop my life, miss work and be away from my family but it was the best decision and gift that I could’ve given to myself and my family. So here I am 3 months later still healing, still feeling and filling out my why’s but lately I must say although I still have my challenging days it’s been much easier on most days and it’s all thanks to past due but very necessary retraining of my mind, acceptance, patience with myself during my healing/growing process and mandatory lifestyle changes.

This time I have allowed and I’m still allowing the pause to fully serve it’s cause.

Peace, love and light,

DCM

{Letters To Myself} Be Easy

Remember: YOU GOT THIS! Don’t give in to overthinking, overcomplicating things and beating yourself up again. BE EASY! There’s enough hidden stressors in the corners of the day so why add more?

I know this is easier said than done but you do already know that it can be done because you’ve tested it out before! Trust yourself and what you know and set the calm and natural pace for the way you want your day, your mood and your life to go.

Although I do realize that you’re a bit rusty, just trust me and keep taking it one small habit at a time and attempt to manage it until you get a few good ones back under your belt.

You’re gonna suprise yourself by what you can help. Keep going, keep moving forward and DONT GIVE IN! Just don’t forget to BE EASY!

DCM

{Letters To Myself} Out Of Focus

Find it. Find your focal point because right now that alignment you have is out of line and your path is a little blurry. Find it. Find some spare time to clarify and clear out those things that need to leave your mental and physical space. Find it. Reenergize your energy because at this point as well as many times before it’s imperative and because your getting older by the day it’s even more significant to get this understanding. It’s time to get refocused and focus on what is truly already assigned and in alignment for you. Find it. Find your focal point and just try to stay in it this time.

DCM

{Letters To Myself} Giving Up Is So Easy To Do

I know that sometimes pressing on is hard especially when you know that giving up is so easy to do. You also are aware that it ultimately only hurts you and of course the ones closest in your world. So just breathe. Count to three. Write it out. Talk it out. Problems don’t get solved in a day or maybe perhaps some can but at least stay a little, play a little and commit to mapping out some resolutions, a play by play or a healthy way to cope while processing. You know so well that giving up is so easy to do but you also know that pressing through in due time will show better results. I know it taps you on your shoulder, wakes you up some mornings and causes you to toss and turn at night questioning your decisions and the latter half of your life. Just think twice before again breathing in the idea of giving up because life at the time is hard. Remember nobody said it was going to be easy. Just keep going on even if you have to move along with a bit or alot of weakness you will soon defeat the challenging moments and will eventually realize that it made you stronger. Go ahead and keep moving through! Last longer! Don’t let giving up keep becoming your default. Don’t keep letting it become such an easy thing to do.

DCM

{Letters To Myself} Choose To See The Unseen

Today and the days to follow be sure to make the choice to see the unseen. Every day that you open your eyes to the morning light, I know those 3 things are sitting there waiting for you to choose them: frustration, exhaustion, doubt. Do Not entertain them! Remember: You do have other choices. They may be a little out of focus right now but remember that THERE WILL ALWAYS BE OTHER OPTIONS WHETHER THEY’RE IN YOUR LINE OF FOCUS OR NOT! Faith, gratitude, resilience just to name a few. Remember those are choices too! So is….l💓ve. So if all else fails at least choose to focus on that one! You may not like the current process but just learn how to love the lesson and change/transition that it is bringing. Be open and embrace the other options that may be lost in the fog right now and chose to see the unseen. Chose to see what you long for, desire and need and pull them back into your space, your mind and your line of vision. Let go of the anxiety and look for peace. Let go of the shame and look for patience and forgiveness of self. Let go and grab on to the things your heart, mind and spirit need and desire. Be vigilant in choosing to see the unseen. The view and the energy there is so much better.

DCM

Amazing Grace How Sweet The Sound Of: Another Year

32 years ago at 12:22 a.m. in a labor and delivery room in Cleveland, Ohio a girl of Grace was born.

Today at 12:22 a.m. in a thankfully quiet and calm house I am happy to be celebrating……another year of Life.

I am truly grateful for the opportunity of nothing more than to simply get the chance to still be HERE.
Here in this body, Here in some scope of sanity, Here still pursuing the intention to live and to heal.

I know I haven’t written anything for a while here in this space (my favorite space) for sharing, and the reasons as to why is because I have been intentionally pursuing living and healing but just in my own private corner with no outside attention, outside obligations or unforeseen distractions to my intentions to heal and better myself.

Honestly during my process of publicly sharing my healing journey (through social media and here) it didn’t take long before I hit a wall again and I quickly stumbled back into old and very unhealthy ways, habits, reactions and ways of thinking.

I had fell into a tunnel of anger, shame, self dissappointment, discouragement, numbness and depression and I was again living inside of my pain.

Living inside of my pain was extremely familiar to me because it was something that I had been subconsciously taught (through learned behaviors) to do as a child to hide what I really felt inside. So the only place to really live for real was inside of my pain because it was the only way that I knew how to contain it. Although now I know I really was not containing it all, I was simply just living it. Completely unaware that I was breathing it and rubbing it off on the people who got too close.

Now becoming more aware to this truth that I still struggle with I am again committing to slowly coming out to the other side taking nothing more than baby steps right now and THIS is one of them.

It took alot for me to write this and get back to this space of writing and sharing because honestly it’s been a while (for me being that person that normally writes every day, it surely has). I just allowed myself to arrive at the revelation that there is a deeper reason than I am aware of, for me to share my words again. Although, I had heavy hesitation about if I should ever publicly write again but tonight I am silencing that lie.

I was born to write and share it! It’s just a natural desire and calling within me. So, on this next chapter of my life I want to attempt to share my journey of healing and recreating my mindset and lifestyle, again (lol). I will switch up my format a bit from how I normally would post for each day. So, just for the rest of September I won’t go immediately back to my Transparent Tuesdays, Sunday Soul Foods, Motivation For Your Mondays or Self Work Saturdays (in due time I will) but instead for my recent stage in healing and in my journey, as of now I will be writing and sharing my: Letters To Myself.

My Letters To Myself came about A few years ago right after I started my healing journey. I had decided to write letters to things/situations in my life (past and present) and to myself about issues that arose within myself (past and present) that I wanted to confront and just get out of my system. Of course I saved those letters but right now where I am at in my healing process I feel as if I need to revisit them and possibly write to some new issues going on outside and within myself.

With that being said, I will write and share these letters here because honestly there has been a empty space in my heart that I can no longer ignore or deny and that piercing hole has been aching for me to share my process and allow it to in return inspire, relate to, empathize with, help or encourge someone else in their journey of healing as well.

To help bring in this year of intentional and continued healing into my life I am taking yet another baby step in my process/journey and doing what is within my heart to do only today it is without hesitation or fear.

Today I am taking a step back but also a step forward into my GRACE once again. Trying again before committing to quiting. Truly accepting where I am in my journey of growth and realizing/acknowledging where have I been stagnant. Being painfully honest with how I process my process and just allowing it to continuously process without me trying to control it, rearrange it or figure it out but to just let it be gradually, patiently and then absorb the lesson and consistently build from it one brick at a time instead of the usual five.

At 32 I am just coming to a real point of true acceptance and what that really looks and feels like. At 32 I am seeing and learning what real patience and being present truly looks like. At 32 I am embracing simplicity and desiring to successfully prioritize the basics in life.

At 32 I am zoning in on my own journey and how I am processing my life events, goals, stagnant spells and growth and not focusing on how someone elses process or transistion looks. At 32 I have witnessed and I have also experienced really really high highs and really really low lows, up and close watched physical abuse from toddler years to teenage years, felt forgotten about and less than, learned the behavior of isolation and how it can also turn into an addiction that several years later I am still trying to kick, watched my baby brother lose all of his mind, mentally breaking and suffering and now he only appears to be a fraction of who I knew of him to be and knowing that so many pieces of him are sleep on the inside, witnessing a parent’s addiction and unknowingly taking on the anxiety, friction, self infliction that bounced onto me, struggling through major depressions, suicidal ideation, a failed attempt of suicide, getting hurt and hurting others by defect, playing with instability and inconsistency and so many starts, stops, incompletes and then the start over again mentally processes, diagnoses of a chronic illness, trying to maintain and manage a new normal and unfamiliar chronic levels of pain while being a mother, wife and still trying to get my life out of disarray while simultaneously working on my own relationship with me while steadily shatterring relationships with no intentions but by default of a damaged good trying to know how to be good.

At 32 I can thankfully say that I am in a place of GRACE.

Throughout all of the amazing times and all of the challenging times that I have trailed through over these last 32 years I am still in constant awe of His Amazing Grace.

There is no greater sound then the sound of another year….here.

DCM

Sunday Soul Food {Self Forgiveness}

Why Haven’t You Forgiven You?

There are enough things around in this world to beat you down
Why do you feel that you need to join them
Do you not deserve mercy?
Constantly fixated on your mistakes
That you have made
And now again it is time to let them go
Use the lesson it left you
And let it help you grow
This box is not for you anymore
You know this
So with this being known
Don’t forget to give your forgiveness
To you
Aren’t you worth your own forgiveness too?
❓❓❓
This time I missed my own dose of forgiveness.
I must remember that it’s never too soon or too late to try again
Today I shall let the redeeming begin.

🙏Happy Sunday Good People.🙏

DCM