32 years ago at 12:22 a.m. in a labor and delivery room in Cleveland, Ohio a girl of Grace was born.
Today at 12:22 a.m. in a thankfully quiet and calm house I am happy to be celebrating……another year of Life.
I am truly grateful for the opportunity of nothing more than to simply get the chance to still be HERE.
Here in this body, Here in some scope of sanity, Here still pursuing the intention to live and to heal.
I know I haven’t written anything for a while here in this space (my favorite space) for sharing, and the reasons as to why is because I have been intentionally pursuing living and healing but just in my own private corner with no outside attention, outside obligations or unforeseen distractions to my intentions to heal and better myself.
Honestly during my process of publicly sharing my healing journey (through social media and here) it didn’t take long before I hit a wall again and I quickly stumbled back into old and very unhealthy ways, habits, reactions and ways of thinking.
I had fell into a tunnel of anger, shame, self dissappointment, discouragement, numbness and depression and I was again living inside of my pain.
Living inside of my pain was extremely familiar to me because it was something that I had been subconsciously taught (through learned behaviors) to do as a child to hide what I really felt inside. So the only place to really live for real was inside of my pain because it was the only way that I knew how to contain it. Although now I know I really was not containing it all, I was simply just living it. Completely unaware that I was breathing it and rubbing it off on the people who got too close.
Now becoming more aware to this truth that I still struggle with I am again committing to slowly coming out to the other side taking nothing more than baby steps right now and THIS is one of them.
It took alot for me to write this and get back to this space of writing and sharing because honestly it’s been a while (for me being that person that normally writes every day, it surely has). I just allowed myself to arrive at the revelation that there is a deeper reason than I am aware of, for me to share my words again. Although, I had heavy hesitation about if I should ever publicly write again but tonight I am silencing that lie.
I was born to write and share it! It’s just a natural desire and calling within me. So, on this next chapter of my life I want to attempt to share my journey of healing and recreating my mindset and lifestyle, again (lol). I will switch up my format a bit from how I normally would post for each day. So, just for the rest of September I won’t go immediately back to my Transparent Tuesdays, Sunday Soul Foods, Motivation For Your Mondays or Self Work Saturdays (in due time I will) but instead for my recent stage in healing and in my journey, as of now I will be writing and sharing my: Letters To Myself.
My Letters To Myself came about A few years ago right after I started my healing journey. I had decided to write letters to things/situations in my life (past and present) and to myself about issues that arose within myself (past and present) that I wanted to confront and just get out of my system. Of course I saved those letters but right now where I am at in my healing process I feel as if I need to revisit them and possibly write to some new issues going on outside and within myself.
With that being said, I will write and share these letters here because honestly there has been a empty space in my heart that I can no longer ignore or deny and that piercing hole has been aching for me to share my process and allow it to in return inspire, relate to, empathize with, help or encourge someone else in their journey of healing as well.
To help bring in this year of intentional and continued healing into my life I am taking yet another baby step in my process/journey and doing what is within my heart to do only today it is without hesitation or fear.
Today I am taking a step back but also a step forward into my GRACE once again. Trying again before committing to quiting. Truly accepting where I am in my journey of growth and realizing/acknowledging where have I been stagnant. Being painfully honest with how I process my process and just allowing it to continuously process without me trying to control it, rearrange it or figure it out but to just let it be gradually, patiently and then absorb the lesson and consistently build from it one brick at a time instead of the usual five.
At 32 I am just coming to a real point of true acceptance and what that really looks and feels like. At 32 I am seeing and learning what real patience and being present truly looks like. At 32 I am embracing simplicity and desiring to successfully prioritize the basics in life.
At 32 I am zoning in on my own journey and how I am processing my life events, goals, stagnant spells and growth and not focusing on how someone elses process or transistion looks. At 32 I have witnessed and I have also experienced really really high highs and really really low lows, up and close watched physical abuse from toddler years to teenage years, felt forgotten about and less than, learned the behavior of isolation and how it can also turn into an addiction that several years later I am still trying to kick, watched my baby brother lose all of his mind, mentally breaking and suffering and now he only appears to be a fraction of who I knew of him to be and knowing that so many pieces of him are sleep on the inside, witnessing a parent’s addiction and unknowingly taking on the anxiety, friction, self infliction that bounced onto me, struggling through major depressions, suicidal ideation, a failed attempt of suicide, getting hurt and hurting others by defect, playing with instability and inconsistency and so many starts, stops, incompletes and then the start over again mentally processes, diagnoses of a chronic illness, trying to maintain and manage a new normal and unfamiliar chronic levels of pain while being a mother, wife and still trying to get my life out of disarray while simultaneously working on my own relationship with me while steadily shatterring relationships with no intentions but by default of a damaged good trying to know how to be good.
At 32 I can thankfully say that I am in a place of GRACE.
Throughout all of the amazing times and all of the challenging times that I have trailed through over these last 32 years I am still in constant awe of His Amazing Grace.
There is no greater sound then the sound of another year….here.